I was about to leave my home to go to Hotel Park, Janpath (behind, Connaught Place) where I was scheduled to have my last dinner with my 3 partners (till yesterday). It was sort of a farewell for me after I ended the four years of collaboration. Just then, I got a call from my senior partner, Rajiv, that we need to cancel the booking at the Park and look for some other place nearby which will be much safer. My another partner, Vijay, was still in Janpath, waiting for us to join him. Rajiv asked me to inform Vijay that 4 bomb blasts have rocked Delhi and he must leave the place asap. Like Rajiv, I tried calling Vijay but couldn’t make it done for next 5 minutes. All telephone lines were jammed. Finally, Vijay got the call and so, I informed him about everything. He started moving from CP but stuck in the way. The traffic was terrific. People were fleeing from entire circle in trauma. Anyways, he reached and we went to PSK to have our dinner. That’s where we sat for the last dinner together. After the end of 4 years of collaboration, I will not be available to attend such official dinners after tonight. Obviously, it was a bit melancholic for me. We had the dinner and we talked about the event. Nevertheless, I was still in shock due to new terror attacks at Delhi. It is 7th year of mine in Delhi and this was the second serial bomb blast in the capital. First time, when it killed almost 80 people in 2005, I was returning to my home from my office and I was only 2 kms away from Paharganj area. I was a survivor. This time, I was 30 minutes late to reach the victim place and I survived again. Many people survived, but not everybody managed to continue living in the city. This feels more horrible when it comes to my mind that I could have been one of them. Yet, the city of DJinns will manage to get the ever-growing speed and I will continue to live my life until the next terror shocks us again. Yet, we will hope for the dawn chorus forever, on the blood-stained streets and ever-laughing ghosts of the terror. Life goes on, isn’t it?
And at 10.45 of night, with a very sad heart, I had to bid farewell to my 3 partners and my 20 fellow citymen who passed away today evening.
When words leave off, music begins. ~ Heinrich Heine
Every time my consciousness gets the hold of my ears, one of the five senses of mine, I hear a rhythm that fills my heart and soul with a random rainbow of sounds and silences. The rhythm is never recited by my consciousness, rather whenever my consciousness wakes up and the senses start working in a synchronized way, every wave entering into circumference of my existence becomes a song and music to my heart to propel it with much more acceleration and sync. I feel the beauty even more beautifully when the world around me appears to be synced with my inner being with a whatsoever sound. I hereby reckon that if there is only one way by which the human connects itself to the nature and the god, it is the music. The waves of music seem to work as the most efficient neuron systems that which exist into the universe. Music, in every form, is the connecting link, be in the form of strings, wind, beats, voice, monotonous, multi-dimensioned, mixed, solo, or even the silence. Music is a source of life and the way to celebrate the life. As Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche had once quoted about music that ‘without music life would be a mistake’, each element of the universe seems to understanding the importance of it and celebrating life without any mistake. I have never experienced any single moment so far when I didn’t dance and sing. And the music I hear using my ears just intensifies the passion of living with the most romantic and lively way.
Ever since the existence of the mankind has been historically registered, the music has been the life for the man. This is the prime medium of communication between the entities where the communication was supposed to be non-existent. Man used music to communicate with existent and non-existent entities both, man communicated the belief in the form of music. It, thus, can be said that if the man has ever be able to communicate with the God (if he ever existed), it was the music which functioned as the messenger, as the Baba Bulleh Shah dances to express his love with the god by singing ‘tere ishq ne nachaya’ or the Yaksha in Kaildasa’s Meghdootam sends the message to his beloved waiting for him at the other side of the country. And the supreme power seems to be appreciating this because the music has came out to us with better rhythms by the help of the several voices of the universe, like the thunderstorm, rivers, trees, wind blows, raindrops, mountains, waterfalls, seashores, and so on. Even the other living children of the world, like birds and animals, have entertained our senses with more beauty and diverse multifaceted sounds. The music has even been able to catch the voices and silence of the days, nights, and space. Thomas Carlyle says – “All deep things are song. It seems somehow the very central essence of us, song; as if all the rest were but wrap pages and hulls!” And this beauty lies everywhere, one only needs to listen and synchronize with all the beings. What other blessings a man could have received from the supreme? Indeed, music is what feelings sound like.
There’s music in the sighing of a reed;
There’s music in the gushing of a rill;
There’s music in all things, if men had ears:
Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.
~ Lord Byron
I recognized it pretty late that the most joyous moments of my life were spent with the companion of music when I intended to connect to the music and sound in an utterly lone silence. Whenever I felt that I am tired and frustrated from the chaos formed within the outside world, I didn’t go to meditation or recreation. I didn’t even feel any need of someone to get hold of this. Nor ignore, surpass, suppress or medicate it. I, however, felt a strong urge to feel it, by letting it get the hold of itself, just like watching oneself carefully and attentively. Watching me has always been a very beautiful experience and in those moments, I could really connect with everything that existed within me and that exists with me. So many strange and unknown things happened. The dullness and restlessness both merged into each other, the invisible elements seemed to be working in a synchronized way, the inside me appeared with the most peaceful, joyous, and romantic mood, and I could listen to only one thing that which was a music and a song which I could never recognize. That sound was something unknown, inexperienced, and unrecognized till the time I listened to that, and it happened every time I heard it. The process of reaching there was always the same but the music always seemed new and fresh to me. It was never the same, never. Outside that world, things appeared monotonous to me most of the times. Sometimes even I appeared the same, nothing new. But the soundtrack of my life was always playing a different track inside me. Or maybe, it has always been the same, but I have been unable to recognize this because the spectrum of the sound was changing the wavelength all the time or perhaps it was so magical that I forgot to examine its attributes. I got lost with it and it got lost with me. Just like an intense orgasm. And after that experience, I was not the same and the moments were so different that I always felt a new system inside me and a new world outside me. The outside world started tickling my senses in more rhythmic way such that everything sounded like music, a much organized and synchronized sound. Everything was music, a pretty and soothing one. I danced on the sound of fans, cycles, parrots, taps, horns, cool winds, leaves, rain, and whistles. I felt elated until I didn’t get tired with the world again. Then, again the same process and music was a cure all the time.
Music was the fellow traveler which traveled along with me, all the way, all the time. This is the case for not only my inner being, but also for my outer joy that which bridges the breezes from the both sides. Music, whatever it is, knows no boundaries. Music is beautiful, be it from any genre, language (or even absence of it), generator, raga, or cord. Whatever mood you carry with yourself, there is a song to intensify it. There is always a song which you can murmur or mumble in any kind of feeling and mood, be it sadness, happiness, silence, tired, celebration, freedom, speak out, speak in or even foot-trapping. I am a listener of the music from most of genres. I listen to each type of genres, generations, voices, instruments, and vocal cords. I love music without any voice and also music with the voices in the languages not understandable to me. Listening to various types of music is basically a journey to me, during which I got a chance to explore them individually. So, every time I listened to a new artist or genre, it was a new experience for me. I enjoyed most of them. It is not that I got hold of one particular genre or artist but yes, some of them got hold of me and kept pleasing my ears. The best experiences are mostly related with the moments I connected directly with them, with full of my emotions and inner self. It was when the chaos formed by my emotions and feelings needed to be synced. It was also when my inner joy and music received a companionship from a rhythm created by the other generators of joy from outside world. Some of the most beautiful experiences came to me also when I attended live concerts of some of the artists I mostly like and those moments were the time of innumerous orgasms. There are too many instances, when there existed only two things – the music and me. Nothing else! Everything else was unknown or non-existent to me. In those moments, I could become conscious to the music only. And when I was elated with the highest ecstasy, I wasn’t aware of anything, neither music nor me. It was one and I can’t really describe that how exactly those moments were. I am very helpless to define that experience, just like that I can’t tell you that how was I feeling like when I wrote any of my poems. I am afraid that I would ever be able to recite my poems in the most exact way. The situation is similar with the moments when I entered into the world of music. Those were the moments of the highest ecstasies.
This is the beauty of music. This is the power of music. And this is how it becomes when you enter into the unknown. Music takes you at the gate of the heaven and the land of the supreme. Music makes you feel that the most beautiful things reside within your self. It is the carrier for all your feelings and emotions that traverse through your senses. And I am glad that this carrier chooses to come to me and help me walk inside and outside me. It makes me dance, sing, run, feel, and understand. It makes me a poet and a warrior both. It makes me evaporate into myself. It makes me ejaculate most of me. It helps me find out that how something feels like. It is a dawn on me with which I can understand the unknown, real, and most importantly, the known. I don’t know that whether the god exists or not, but if there is a god and if there is a way by which the god and his people communicate, it certainly is the music. And it is not just a coincidence that the Siddhartha started traveling on the path of becoming Buddha after he got to know that how the music comes from the strings of Sitar. When you merge with the music, whether it sounds or it is a silence, you feel like that you can’t even be skeptic. You don’t just know that about what you need to be skeptic, logical, or analytical. Music says that whatever the man can manage to invent or explore, the music will always be there to be explored completely. Music will always be left fully unexplored by the mankind. As the world is full of entropy, the world is also full of music. Either we can go through it or we can only recite the part of it that is known to us. The greatest beauty of the music is that its unknown horizons don’t create boundaries for a man which could make a man feel like being in prison. All concepts can only confute themselves; they can never co-exist with the music. Music makes one fly, fly to anywhere, fly beyond all limitations. The poetry and sound and the music always flow with complete freedom, within our mind and heart and soul. This is a sky which sets us free. This is a prison which gives us hope. This is how it should be.
And just like Nietzsche, in music my passions enjoy themselves.
Image Credits: Prem Joshua: www.premjoshua.com & Shafqat Ali Khan - Google Images
Hence, continuing the tradition, some posts will exclusively be dedicated to the author and his endeavors in year 2007. Actually, there is a hidden strategy behind this tradition which I started few years before. These all annual audits will serve as authorized references to recall all the important things and events related to me in a particular year. And all of these will be flash-backed whenever I start writing the complete autobiography of mine (grin). Well, that’s another dimension, which is quite weird as it seems right away.
The baseline and the theme of last year was about being a true wanderer and being full of joy, happiness, celebration, and sense of satisfaction. The almost 24 years of life had given me too many regrets and the last year was quite destined to equate the imbalance. And I did it, enthusiastically and completely. It was indeed an awesome year, and I kept celebrating my silver jubilee year. The celebration went on and on. I enjoyed this. The endeavors, at first sight, seemed irrational but I found it quite rational, having its own reasons on its own terms. For the first time in my life, materialistic happiness helped me to get spiritual happiness. Or, the attainment of spiritual happiness led me to enjoy material happiness. Whatever! It was fun anyways. The beautiful thing was that I did what I wanted to do at that time. Every minuscule event occurred because I wanted to enjoy them. Random, unpredicted, and romantic. I liked that, beside the fact that it was no way concerned with any of the visionary thing. I liked it more because it was quite earthy and it made me close to myself. And of course, it is a year which I’ll always cherish.
Just like the coin which never exists with only one side, the year had the experiences from the other side also. This other side is not the wrong side, rather it can be correctly identified as a darker side where your quest to enlighten only grows. Mostly came in picture during the start of the year which ended soon, then there were occasionally occurrences of soar moments, and lastly some randomly generated celestial feelings. Though none of them could engulf me or overrule the realm of my mood. Something, nevertheless, kept hunting me. Throughout the year, I also continued feeling a void which, at the end, came out in a different form – a sense of restlessness. Sometimes, it was also like skepticism towards the essence of all the activities. As I make it out now, this is the point which was the child of the materialistic happiness and the mother of a spiritual journey. The journey of happiness and celebrating life. The signature tune of the realness. Something that keeps me going, learning, and finding, which further reverberates the tales of a true wanderer. At the end of each moment, I feel content yet thirsty. Knowings or the understanding of unknowings? Not sure. I come to learn more yet come to understand that I need to learn much more. A string of enchanting moments which further adjoin with each other to form a finely tuned rhythm, whereas unsure about the next moment and unknown to the preceding one. Being joyous in uncovering an answer which is a collection of several other questions yet the quest of wisdom never dies. Having pride being a traveler who halts at each milestone to take rest yet doesn’t consider it a wrongdoing or violation of the values of journey. A musician who can hum the beats anywhere be it a maternity home, love dale, or a deathbed yet wins over every foot which can catch the rhythm, reciprocate, and dance. A journey which is full of scattered, intertwined, zigzagged, endless, and landscaped paths and all of them are sacred and sanctimonious. A bookshelf which is full of fables and poetry. A quench which nurture the quest and a life which lives itself.
Quite an enlightening experience I had, indeed! And this was the year which taught me all this. There are few more things that I would like to uncover here. All of these are by-products of the experiments and experiences I went through last year. First, desires, whatever they are, can’t be fulfilled until they are not completely explored. Fulfillment of desires means you get or receive or accomplish them. These desires can be anything and so do the process of getting them. Fulfillment or attainment of them doesn’t mean that it ended the thirst to attain them. It means you got what you wanted to get but you haven’t yet enjoyed this. Until you don’t utilize or enjoy this attainment, derivatives or process, the thirst will still be on. It’s something like you desired for a palace and you bought it, but you haven’t been able to live inside it. A bud of rose is not beautiful till it grows up as a flower. Exploration is a step next to discovery. The same happened to me and my convictions helped me. Not only I explored my desires but also I nurtured the craving. The attaining process was amazing and the accomplishment made me content. I was no more longing for the same thing after that. It was also about understanding that the craving and desires had no vice, whatever desire it was. If you truly want something, that desire has to be sacred and the craving has to be a virtue. Yet the attainment can be a mirage where you had to take a bit rest and then continue the journey. It can also be a beautiful barrier which looks like a miracle in a desert and gives a feeling of being at the destination. This is a point where you could either enjoy and move on or be delighted and stay. Either none-ness to oneness or there will be synonymous moments appearing like continued forever. And what is needed here is the thorough exploration.
Another important thing was that I enjoyed almost everything. The process and involvement were not singular, it was rather multi-dimensional. Not related or intertwined to each other, sometimes even opposite. But when you are in the mood, nothing does matter. I also explored everything and never proceeded with the formulas and theories. I made my own recipe, cooked, and tasted the cuisines first-handed. The suspicion and heterodoxy was over. At the same time, it also broke the convention and ideas.
Further, the quest and the passion only increased with this celebration. I even found myself too closed to them with joy and greater involvement and suchlike. It won’t be surprising if someday I feel oneness with them, being a part of them or making them a part of mine. Or rather showcasing a different, unique entity formed by them and me.
There are few more things but I am quite unable to pen them down. You know, there are some thoughts which can make you thought-less. You know what it is but you can’t tell or describe. Sometimes, you can only feel but can’t know what it is. And besides, the essences can also have a quintessence. Who knows, next year the quintessence itself will write its own stories. The mirage might be beautiful yet a cliché whereas the desert might have buried more amazing figurines and captivating fables underneath. There might also be a truth behind all the truths. Who knows! Who knows where the quintessence lies.
Hence, I wish the exploration gets continued and the quest and thirst only increases with each discovery and attainment. I wish the celebrations celebrate themselves and the joy enjoys itself. I wish the life continues living itself and the essences continues uncovering their quintessence themselves. I wish the journey never ends with the roads and the milestone comes after each mile of walking yet doesn’t appear as a destination. I wish that, during the journey, I take the path which I think is right and be able to choose the road which I want to. And I hope the wishes come true. I hope.